How to Get Through a Breakup

Note: This is a live post. As I move through my own experience with heartbreak, I’m sharing the steps I’m taking to heal as they emerge and become clear. Thank you for being here!

Reflection: Things are not so linear.

It’s been a little while. I haven’t abandoned the steps in this healing but I realized that after writing out steps one and two, things were not so linear. Once my feelings were a little less immobilizing, my path seemed to become more of a zig-zagged quest back to self.

I believe step 3 has something to do with community. I reached out, I connected, and I continue to reach out and connect. It’s been almost 7 weeks since the breakup. It’s still fresh and I still feel it but I also feel a lot of spaciousness. There is space around my feelings and there is space in my life to expand. I have moments of sadness, but they feel more like reminders that everything in this human experience is impermanent and I can either accept that truth or fight it every time. Fighting is painful and the acceptance of endings can be scary. I don’t know what’s next if I accept this.

I know what’s available if I fight it though.

If I can convince my ex that we should be together then I have two possibilities that are familiar and reliable. The first is our old relationship which includes two people who don’t want the same level of intimacy and commitment, and one of them (me) pretending that will change. And the other possibility is fantasy. The fantasy of a different relationship with the same person even though there’s been no indication of change. Even though these options aren’t fulfilling they feel safer than the unknown abyss that comes with acceptance.

More and more I’m becoming less interested in the safety of staying the same and more interested in living in this question: what is important to me?

It’s a question I’m living in and it’s also a living question. It’s not something I can complete, it’s the entire journey of what my life is and I think the only way to continue its exploration is by accepting things when they end and trusting life when it nudges me to move forward.

Step 2: Eat something.

Afternoon will arrive without any invitation. Accept her with open arms. This may not be clear yet, but every passing second is a nudge forward through the dark tunnel of emotions you’re in right now and eventually, if you allow for it to happen, you’ll pop out the other end into a bright new world. 

You may feel resistant to this change, even though it’s positive. There may be some part of you that fears something is missing in the sun-filled day outside of this gloomy tunnel. Your mind may convince you to binge-watch a series called “The Scarcity What Ifs” as a way to keep you stuck. What if they meet someone else? What if I end up alone? What if it’s all my fault? What if I’m not enough? What if I’m too much? What if I move on and the fantasy of what could have been is smashed? 

When this happens, I encourage you to take a break, pause the show, and eat something. It doesn’t have to be an entire meal. It can be something simple, like an apple, a hard-boiled egg, or some soup. Just let it be nourishing. Feed the parts of yourself that are hungry. Whether for love or for answers, closeness or security. Fueling your body, similar to washing your face, puts out a powerful statement, and that statement is: “I want to be alive!” 

You may already know this, but trees don’t die in the winter. They rest. And there is so much going on behind the scenes of that rest that we cannot see. Membranes are moving, cells are shrinking, pressure is changing. All of this is happening naturally as a way to protect and prepare the tree for the aliveness of spring. 

This is your rest period. This is a moment to prepare you for your next chapter of aliveness. Let life work behind the scenes for you. Do your part to enrich its efforts. Nourish your way through the darkness of this season and trust that when you emerge you will be met with the miracle of renewal.

Step 1: Wash your face.

Morning, especially the first one following is the hardest. It’s a time of remembering everything sleep helped you to forget, that is if you managed to sleep at all. If you’re anything like me, the tears will start before your eyes open, the painful ache of heartbreak will weaken your sobbing body under the blankets and it will seem like there’s no position, no ball small or tight enough to help you disappear from the awfulness of the moment. 

You will remember something someone said some time ago, something you read online, something you said yourself about the beauty of change and the gorgeous pain of growth and you’ll think, there’s no beauty in this, that person (even if it was you) is a clueless idiot. 

The sun will begin to strengthen its shine through your windows as a reminder that the day is moving forward, and the blankets you’re hiding under will get warmer and warmer. You’ll become a sweaty little ball. You’ll stay like that for a while until your hungry cat comes over and starts pawing at the top of your head, and you’ll remember you have responsibilities. You’ll realize how badly you have to pee. You’ll emerge. As you gasp for air you’ll get a whiff of morning breath and remember that you’re the kind of person who brushes their teeth in the morning. You like that about yourself. 

You’ll shuffle toward the bathroom first. You’ll cry on the toilet. You’ll brush your teeth. You’ll make your way to the kitchen and feed your cat. Then, an awareness will come. Something about these teeny tiny actions feels like strength. You’ll make yourself a cup of coffee. You’ll call out of work and call in your mom. If she lives nearby she’ll be there within the hour, but if she’s in another state like my mom, she’ll stay on the phone with you while you repeat the same things over and over until you both need a break from hearing them and hang up. 

Washing your face amid all that crying might feel like a waste of time and effort, but trust me it’s not. The intention alone is powerful. It signals a willingness to move forward. And moving forward, even if it’s just an inch, is good. It doesn’t mean you're leaving your feelings or relationship behind. It just means you’re willing to walk hand in hand with life. And you should take life’s hand because life loves you. It really does. It is your best friend and ally even when its love is tough and its workload feels daunting. It will lead you to the exact place you’re meant to be if you let it. Life has your very best interests in mind and an endless bank of possibilities it wants to present to you if only you trust it.